With consumer demand on the rise, we’re starting to run short of some of the essentials
The times, they are a-changin’, a wise man once said. (It was Bob Dylan. Bob Dylan said that.)
But they’re not changing for the better apparently, because the world – and the culinary world in particular – is seemingly in jeopardy. It has come to our attention that the planet is running out of stuff. Stuff that we actually really, really, like and/or need. If you’ve paid any attention to the news in the past 24 hours, then you may know where I’m going with this.
Yes, it could be curtains for our beloved tipple, which has been around for thousands of years and survived everything life has thrown at us, from world wars and natural disasters to One Direction and Piers Morgan.
According to new research from Morgan Stanley, global consumer demand for wine is massively outpacing supply, and in 2012 we saw the biggest shortfall in nearly 50 years. We’re drinking so much vino that soon, there’s going to be none left.
Basically, this undersupply will lead to a rise in export demand, and higher prices. Guess we can wave goodbye to paying £2.99 for a bottle of Aldi’s finest then. Sigh.
These really are nail-biting times for Britain’s middle class population, aren’t they? Industry experts recently confirmed to The Grocer that following the outbreak of Q fever, which saw thousands of pregnant goats culled, many farmers have given up breeding them. Ergo, soon there’ll be no more goat’s cheese.
You can just imagine the outrage amongst toffs everywhere. “What in God’s name are we supposed to serve up in a salad of roasted figs and prosciutto if there’s no goat’s cheese? Fucking cheddar?” Cheese boards at dinner parties and swanky restaurants will never be the same again.
As if that last one didn’t hurt enough, bacon is supposedly on its way out as well. The National Pig Association (so happy this is a thing) claimed in 2012 that farmers are making losses due to high pig-feed costs and all the main pig-producing nations in Europe are reporting shrinking sow herds.
What’s going to put the B in BLT now? And don’t say vegetarian bacon, or ‘facon’ as it’s hilariously known, because, quite frankly, that just shouldn’t be allowed. A life without bacon is not a life worth living, if you ask me. But with a decline in production on the cards, particularly in Europe, this seems to be what we’re going to get. Sob.
Random, right? You might not think a global helium shortage will affect you, but you’re forgetting the endless parties you attended as a kid where the best times were spent sucking the air out of helium balloons with your friends and giggling at your ridiculously squeaky voices. Not an experience you’d want your children and grandchildren to miss out on, I presume.
The gas is also extremely important to medicine and the shortage is set to seriously impact research centres studying the human brain, where the scanners used rely on being regularly topped up with liquid helium.
I know what you’re thinking. What the FUCK? This shortage could be the most traumatising of them all.
According to industry experts, the world is set to completely run out of cocoa by 2020 as there are not enough plantations making the stuff across the globe to satisfy demand. Do you know what, for me personally, the saddest thing about this tragic situation is? Confectionery manufacturers are going to have to start padding out what little chocolate there is in their chocolate bars with more fruit and nuts. MORE of them.
I don’t even want to know what’s next to start running out, but if it’s beer, cake or cigarettes, then to be honest with you, I see no reason to carry on. Perhaps that’s a slight exaggeration. I’m going to be pretty mad.