It’s not very often we receive a press release so appalling that it’s news-worthy.
At Planet Ivy, we’re always being invited to get drunk and review things. Some of these things we’re asked to review have free bars. Some don’t have free bars. Can you guess which things get reviewed more often? But sometimes, a press release catches our eye so much that we scream YES! (sometimes orgasmically, sometimes not) and then write about it. This was one of those things.
One day, three male models were walking down Shoreditch High Street, thinking about the cruel realities of poor people and fat girls and chatting contentedly about how great David Lynch is, but how shit Dune is. Suddenly, they noticed somebody at a bus stop reading a book.
“Shit, look!” one of the male models cried, “Somebody isn’t staring at our dazzling good looks and ball-aching coolness! What the fuck should we do?”
“It’s OK,” the second male model replied, “We’ll make a self-referentially terrible, ironically geeky space movie. Nobody has ever done anything like that before. Then everyone will know how cool we are and nobody will dare to read a book in our glistening presence ever again.”
“But wait,” replied the third “how will we publicise our achievement? We’d better get the worst publicist we can find and get them to write a press release that barely staggers along under the tedium of its own dreary rhetoric. And we’ll get some completely irrelevant, vaguely recognisable people to star in the movie!”
“Where did you learn the word rhetoric?” scowled the first male model, “Have you been reading books? Press people cost money, I’ll write it myself.”
“Don’t scowl,” countered the second male model, “You’ll get frown lines. Let’s get some PinkBerry and think of hot skinny girls to cast in our awesome movie.”
“We should definitely make sure everyone knows it’s awesome, too,” the third chipped in, probably in an attempt to regain some hipster points. They all agreed.
When we received the press release for Adam and the ASBOs: The Movie, we were so excited by the sheer awesomeness that we rushed out to buy Valium. We just had to calm down. I mean, come on, they’re a band made up entirely of former male models, did I mention that? Shit. Me. How could we not be gripped by lines like; “You might be interested in this story for your Weird or Film sections. It’s a film and it’s definitely weird – in a great way.” In a great way? Well hold on and let me get out my reading glasses. Continuing, with bated breath, we learn; “the ASBOs see their movie as an extension of their sustained attack on boring music epitomised by Coldplay.” These guys are clearly awesome, we were sure by now. Nobody else has ever criticized Coldplay. Thank God their reign of unquestioned terror is finally coming to an end. I bet some amazing actors wanted in on this.
Yep. Check out these bad-ass name drops; “Lembit Opik is starring as the Emperor of the Galaxy alongside Skyfall’s Tonia Sotiropoulou.” Lembit Opik, you know, the ex-politician who went out with that Cheeky Girl (no, I don’t know which one) and fucked his career in the ear. Tonia Sotiropoulou “played James Bond’s lover in Skyfall and featured alongside Cappellaro in Berberian Sound Studio.” Wow, Skyfall, that’s actually quite impressive. Although… hang on… what does “lover” mean, Bond has lots of lovers, he’s Bond. Apparently, “Bond’s Lover” means exactly that, you don’t get a character name, sorry Tonia. Good attempt at tricking us though, press-release genius/ male model number one.
I wonder how much PinkBerry the guys had eaten before they realized they’d never get Bérénice Marlohe, who played the actual Bond girl in Skyfall, or Victoria Secret’s model Adriana Lima, or porn superstar Sasha Grey, but that a friend’s flatmate’s boyfriend’s cousin knows Tonia Sotiropoulou. And don’t forget Susanna Cappellaro. NO WAIT, you don’t need to use IMDb, because the unbelievably gripping press release provides a handy clarification; “Cappellaro played Johnny Depp’s character’s mother in Dark Shadows and had a role in Berberian Sound Studio, the recipient of several British Independent Film Awards.” Ohhh, OK, I think I can picture her, yeah, that’s right, the one that played Johnny Depp’s character’s mother, yeah.
The whole thing is a gurning attempt to lick the sweaty armpit of irony and extract the salty nectar of counter-culture cool. Unfortunately, it’s all shit. It’s “rated A for Awesome”. How original and hilarious. Anyway, here it is.
Still don’t really get it? Look, it’s like this: “The Movie, which switches to 3D as the band enter space, was entirely produced by the band themselves and is a tongue-in-cheek homage to the science fiction films of the ‘80s.” THE 80s! And it’s a homage, stupid. In case you want to know more about Adam and the ASBOs, here they are all summed up; “Adam And The ASBOs have gained a reputation for their thrilling live shows, flamboyant dress and quirky, self-made videos.” And thrilling press releases, obviously. If you fancy going to one of their thrilling shows, the next one is at Hoxton Underbelly on 1st June.
Images: Adam and the ASBOs