Homophobic moron? There’s an app for that.
Isn’t technology amazing? There really is an app for everything. The website Setting Captives Free has launched an app that they claim can cure gay people. Cure them of what you may wonder. Cure them of being gay of course, and in a mere 60 thrilling, prayer-filled days.
According to their own website more than 400,000 people have “benefited from Setting Captives Free”. Not just cures for being gay but also cures for obesity, gambling and a ‘gratifying the flesh’ addiction, as one reformed sinner delicately phrases it.
Door of Hope caters to the spiritual needs of its flock through online courses and the unburdening of their wallets
The Door of Hope app, available on Google Play, is produced by a non-denominational ministry based in Ohio. Founded by former sinner supreme, Mike Cleveland, it caters to the spiritual needs of its flock through online courses and the unburdening of their wallets. Clever Mike with his giant brain hiding behind his giant forehead is a great role model to his congregation having been through an addiction to pornography whilst working as an airline pilot.
He goes on to explain how in 1996 he lost his wife, children, job and bed, forcing him to sleep on the cold wooden laminate of his rental house. We must presume he had to sell his bed to fund his blistering addiction. In case you were in any doubt, porn is bad y’all. But fear not reader, Mike tells us that by 1999 he was remarried and on the path to righteousness, notoriety and wealth ($100,000 worth of donations according to their website). God had prevailed.
Now, let’s not get all preachy but isn’t it strange Mike’s God is more interested in his salvation from too much tommy-tanking than the salvation of um, let’s see, maybe the the 60 African children that die from Malaria every hour. Mike’s God truly does work in mysterious ways. I guess the African children don’t have access to the online courses. Someone should, you know, do something about that.
In the interests of journalistic balance it has to be said some people are a tad offended by Setting Captives Free and their gay cure app. Allout.org have a petition that, at the time of writing, had secured 54,000 signatories. They say: “These so-called treatments can cause terrible harm to lesbian, gay, bi, and trans people, or anyone forced to try to change who they are or who they love”. It’s easy to see their point. In the US, homophobia is all the rage with gay ‘conversion therapy’ courses offered to minors. Unsurprising perhaps in a country where you can be legally fired in 29 States for being gay.
But does the gay cure app work? One Google reviewer said: “This is the best app ever! Here I was, all totally gay and stuff. Then I installed the app, and God came out of my Galaxy Nexus, flew right into my penis, and my gay was gone! I ran right out the door and banged three real live chicks in the first hour! It was awesome!”
That answers that then.
If you have issues with gay people and think they need a ‘cure’, or if you want to donate money to Setting Captives Free then please click here.