We digest the Mail so you don’t have to. This week, it’s worse than TOWIE
The Daily Mail had quite a lot to say about sex this past week. I don’t know why, maybe the humid weather has made them all feel frisky. A bit like toads. I was planning on making that the theme of this week’s anti-Mail diatribe (sex, I mean, not toads), until I came across an opinion piece by Stephen Glover to rival the journalistic slop-bucket that was Peter Hitchens’s hack-ball of phlegm, on which I commented last week. It’s about Girl Guides, so get ready for that. Apart from that, this week’s Mail is mostly sex. Sex and chavs. A bit like The Only Way is Essex but with fewer brain cells and a poorer grasp of the English language.
Apparently this is news somehow. Seeming to entirely forget that the phrase is ‘a tall, dark and handsome’ and not ‘short, pasty and hideous’, The Daily Mail have published the results of a dubious study that claims 77% of women won’t look twice at a man who is shorter than 6ft. So, bad luck if you’re a short arse. Because there’s nothing you can do about it really, is there? You could wear high-heels, or walk around on stilts, but this might put women off for different reasons. Although, it’s probably worth noting that the study was conducted by High and Mighty, a clothing retailer specifically aimed at tall, large men.
Don’t think of a black cat! Now don’t think of Jeremy Clarkson having sex! Sorry, that was a mean trick. But the Daily Mail has obviously been thinking about it this week. Here are some pictures of him flirting with ladies various.
Ascot happened last weekend and plenty of rich people in funny hats gathered together to teeter about on damp grass in high heels and bet wads of cash on animals doing running. Some of the not-so-posh ones had tattoos and the Daily Mail got a bit upset by this. Throwing ‘Lord-this’ and ‘Coco Chanel that’ around every-which-way, Petronella Wyatt name-drops the Queen mother in an entirely tenuous and pointless manner. She then invites us to judge and ridicule a collection of fellow race-goers, for no good reason. Completely oblivious of the fact that the very people she’s mocking make up the key demographic of this loathsome spunk-rag of a publication. Nothing like a good bit of middle-class bubble-headed snobbery.
Stephen Glover never joined Scouts and obviously wasn’t a Girl Guide. He makes a point of this right at the start his article. Obviously, opening a piece by explaining why you don’t know what you’re talking about is brilliant journalism. Anyway, the Girl Guides have changed their pledge. Now, instead of claiming belief and love for God, they’re encouraged to “be true to myself and develop my beliefs”. Good, eh? Nope. It’s encouraging the “cult of the individual”. God is obviously better, causing all that war and guilt and prejudice and terrorism and all. According to Glover, the old pledge, “did not demand of them that they should love him, or even believe in him, but simply try to love him.” So, try to love him, even if you don’t believe in him. Which obviously you shouldn’t, given he doesn’t exist. And neither should the Daily Mail (exist, that is), but it looks like we’re stuck with both for the time being.