We came, we saw, we wrote. We ate some chicken feet.
Well, what a week. It seems like only yesterday we were perving on girls on Tinder. Which is weird, because actually that was last week. Time flies when you’re perving on girls on Tinder. Anyway, without further ado it’s time to run down the best stuff we’ve done this week. And when we say best, we mean top quality, top shelf stuff. Saucy.
We are constantly getting wined and dined here at Planet Ivy. Constantly. Indeed, hardly a day goes by when we do not attend a long, booze-fuelled luncheon. But even we were (slightly) impressed when by the Betrayer’s Banquet. We met the founder of Wikipedia for Christ’s sake. Actually, we bonded with the founder of Wikipedia, which is even better. And we got served by people wearing robes. Fuck the Harry Potter studio tour, this was the real deal.
We can’t remember a whole lot from our sex education classes. There are vague recollections of condoms, bananas, male science teachers getting really awkward. But one thing that perhaps we missed out on was the whole “Don’t do it, kids” thing. It would seem that our ‘pals’ over the pond, however, are loving this whole abstinence thing right now, and lucky for us have decided to ship it to our fair shores. Don’t listen to ‘em – everyone knows that sex is the most fun you can have legally.
Now we all like a good old mob mentality now and again. There’s nothing like gathering in a group and getting angry about something. We tend to do this most Tuesday afternoons – it breaks up the working week nicely, and gives us a sense of purpose. But even we draw the line at chasing people along the street, loudly berating them, as you film the whole thing on a cheap video camera. The footage comes off worse than a pirated copy of the Blair Witch Project. And we’re too unfit to be running anywhere.
Man we love the smell of spray-paint in the morning. There’s nothing like it. It’s like waking and baking but more destructive. Real freedom is the ability to paint a wall you know? And that can be any wall – your school’s, the side of your gran’s house, the inside of your bedsit – what’s really important is that your challenging The Man, man.
Time to get serious. Semi-serious. Ed Miliband may have been accused of Stalinist policies, but more free childcare and housing count as pretty good promises in our book. And if he can somehow get energy companies to stop charging the price of a round-the-world ticket to heat your home for a week, then even better. We’re off to turn on all our appliances and light the gas stove as a celebration.