An in depth how-to guide for the wannabe party animal. How to evade detection and look like a boss.
If you want to have a house party, there are a few questions you should ask yourself.
- Do I live with my parents?
- Do I care if I’m caught?
- Am I inviting everyone?
- Have I ever fantasised about being a cool, American high-school guy?
If you answered yes to all of the above this is the guide for you. If not read it anyway, it’s funny.
When the proposed party venue is your parent’s home there are some precautions you must take in order to have the best party possible without repercussions.
1.) Locate the key to your parent’s room, your room and one storage room. If you are going to have a party to the calibre of an American teen rom-com there are some things you must keep in mind. Primarily that you’re not in a teen rom-com, you are in fact a twat who’s invited everyone on Facebook to come and shit all over your family home.
2.) You will need to photograph every ornament, painting, CD and jar of pasta in the house. Parents tend to know exactly where everything should be. Once this is completed strip the whole house and place everything that’s not nailed down in the storage room which should remain locked at all times. This includes cups, glasses, food and medicine as this will all be broken or stolen. Cable tie the cupboards closed and buy some red cups to play beer pong with, or, if things go wrong, to put on your nipples as you wank over Dawson’s Creek re-runs.
3.) If you live in the UK or Ireland you should have access to travellers (the gypsy kind). They will be able to sell you a lot of carpet for very little cash. Use this carpet to protect the grass in the back garden and prevent the interior of the house from getting dirty. Put your woodwork skills into practise by boxing off your mother’s prized roses or any other potential casualties. Pets included.
3.) Everyone has a shithead friend who thinks they’re Deadmau5, so get a few of these CD playing wallys together and give them timed segments throughout the night. This makes you look and feel important whilst also allowing you to replace the shit ones quickly. Call it a ‘DJ battle’ and you won’t have to pay anyone.
4.) If you pop by B&Q they might have some party gazebos available. If it rains your carpeted garden becomes a no-go-zone and all the bastards will migrate into your kitchen. So the gazebo works both to keep people outside and make the garden look less like a 60s rug shop.
The neighbours and police will arrive eventually, as will the fighting.
5.) The neighbours and police will arrive eventually, as will the fighting. It is advisable to balloon the ego of a known meathead and have him watch over the front door in return for compliments and booze.
6.) The biggest problem you will face is getting the twelve drunken Latvians out of your sitting room at 7am. A good one is the parental fake out. Run in, shouting on the phone, tell them the folks are en route and they must leave. If they refuse, you may have an issue. You should perhaps then consider this room a casualty of war and lock it up. They will eventually pass out and you can remove them in a manner of your choosing.
7.) The people you genuinely like and who know you will quickly get annoyed by all the randomers, as will you. So it is a good idea to lock off your own room and use it as a sort of VIP area. This will become more and more valuable as the evening progresses. You may even find yourself being bribed for entry. VIP lounges also attract sexy women and free drugs; this is why no good venue is without one.
8.) DON’T let people fuck in your parent’s room. If you get busted the last thing you want to discuss with your mother is about the amount of jizz on her mattress, nor do you want to have to clean it. Lock the door and swallow the key.
9.) With nothing broken the cleanup will be a simple sweep and shine. Check behind everywhere as cigarette ends and bottle caps have ruined an otherwise successfully covert operation. Air out the house for a few days and put everything back where it was. Get your neighbours a cheap bottle of plonk and apologise for the debacle.
10.) Sit in your back garden smoking a cigarette while wearing black Ray-Ban Wayfarers and listening to Old Time Rock and Roll by Bob Seger, à la Risky Business.
Note: if you don’t live in your parent’s house you shouldn’t require a how-to guide to have a party. But if you do, remember to hide your Warcraft or Pokemon or whatever stuff has you in this situation. Otherwise people will find it and mock you. Finally, don’t forget to wash your knob with soap and warm water before the party. Chances are someone will sleep with you in return for a place in your bed.
Main image: adifansnet via Flickr