Cannabis is illegal, but it’s not illegal enough. We need a new classification system, where Cannabis, Ecstasy and all the other free-loving drugs are A* rated, where anyone caught with these terrible substances in their possession is immediately imprisoned for as long as a serial sex offender.
You might have seen on the news recently that Holland is going to be enforcing a ban on anyone born outside the Netherlands entering their ‘coffee shops’ (the name applied to shops that sell and allow the smoking of marijuana on the premises, thankfully, the coffee is still free for sale to anyone). This initiative to clamp down on the huge amounts of revenue this tourism garners means many tourists entering the country will spend more time in the red light district, which will positively affect their overall view of Holland! .
So what if last year saw the number of alcohol-related hospital admissions reach above one million, and so what if tobacco causes around 100,000 deaths a year in the UK alone, it’s cannabis that is the real killer. When you see two people kicking each other unconscious in the street on a Saturday night, you know that it’s usually because they have nothing but blind rage and THC pumping through their veins. It isn’t important how many people have died from marijuana (0), what really matters is that the government knows what’s best for you. Freedom of choice is massively overrated anyway. Look at what happened in Portugal: In 2001 it de-criminalized every conceivable drug imaginable, and as predicted by critics at the time, the country became a drug tourist haven, with youth usage rates surging. Nevermind that the 10-year results showed addiction rates and drug-related diseases sharply falling, the point remains the same, it could have been very, very bad, in theory.
Marijuana has been used for thousands of years as a medicinal herb, with the active ingredient Tetrahydrocannabinol producing a ‘euphoric effect’ in the user. This is because the cannabinoids attach themselves to the neurons in your brain and interfere with the way these neurons communicate between each other. Everybody knows that your average stoner is about as responsive as a lobotomised farm animal, and this is evidenced in the lack of anyone that smokes weed leading a successful life. There are occasional exceptions to the rule, like doctors, lawyers, nurses, writers, intellectuals, philosophers, actors, musicians, bankers, politicians etc, but really those are just the lucky few.
Professor David Nutt, formerly of the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs, tried to brainwash us all into thinking cannabis was ‘one of the least harmful drugs in Britain today’, but thankfully the politicians knew better than Nutt, even without their PHD’s or basic understanding of drug use. They knew what he, the head of the ACMD didn’t- that cannabis is a blight on society and that it must be stomped out. When they hire a man with the best understanding of drug use and drug effects in the whole country, he just better make sure he understands what the politicians do; it doesn’t matter how ‘harmful’ smoking weed is, it just matters that what he says fits in line with what the government has been telling people for years.
The argument that if weed were legalised, or at least decriminalised, the entire situation would become easier to regulate and as such would be safer is flawed. It totally ignores the fact that young children gain access to alcohol, so why wouldn’t they be able to get a hold of weed? I mean, it’s not like they check your ID when you walk into a coffee shop in Amsterdam. Wait, they do? Oh. Well never mind that, it’s not like more than half the people in this country have at least tried cannabis, otherwise the whole country would have collapsed in on itself in a wave of Doritos crisps and Rastamouse re-runs.
Besides, pharmaceutical companies from all over the globe have come up with alternatives to ingesting THC, and they appear to be much safer than the real thing. If cannabis were legalised, then what would half of Britain’s organised crime units do for funding? Legalising weed would take the hard-earned money out of the pockets of your friendly local drug dealer and could end up going to waste, like being spent on the NHS or more drugs research.
What’s really important is that if you suspect a friend or family member of being a cannabis user, you have to get them help instantly! Whether they know they need it or not, you know best. Call the police and have them arrested, make sure they get a permanent note on their personal police record and that they are restricted to only the most mundane manual jobs in the future, they will thank you for it eventually.
For more information, the American Government released a highly informative and highly accurate film detailing the behaviour of stoners. It’s called Reefer Madness and if you would like to find out more about this scourge on society, we urge you to buy a copy today. The most important thing when dealing with this terrible affliction is to remember that the stoner is incapable of free will (their brain gets all fogged up you see), of making decisions themselves based on information they have read, and that it is your civic duty to keep them free from the bondage of drug addiction.
Remember, just because it’s one of the least harmful drugs in Britain, just because it’s not physically addictive like all those drugs they sell in shops legally, and just because it’s really, really fun, doesn’t mean it won’t destroy this country. Stay vigilant, stay clean.